


in the absence i should've grown used to

by astrangetypeofchemistry



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Absence, Angst, Broken Sibling Relationship, Gen, Running Away, in distress drabble, p a i n
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-21 01:31:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15546645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrangetypeofchemistry/pseuds/astrangetypeofchemistry
Summary: Connor is gone, but it isn't the first time Zoe's experienced it.





	in the absence i should've grown used to

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alternatively_troublesome](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alternatively_troublesome/gifts).
  * Inspired by [In Distress](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14593080) by [alternatively_troublesome](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alternatively_troublesome/pseuds/alternatively_troublesome). 



> to my knowledge, zoë is planning on updating in distress soon and i floated this idea to her long ago so it was about time i wrote it out and published it. enjoy the pain lovelies

****

The thing is, this isn’t Zoe’s first rodeo.

She’s been here before, has opened her door to be told that Connor left, has been asked the frantic “Do you know where he could’ve gone?” and “Are you sure he didn’t give you a hint?” She’s sat through a grim breakfast where his absence is felt as strongly as the wind in storms, has stared into blank faces as everyone tries to keep themselves composed. She’s not new to this, has  _ seen _ the effect of Connor running away before.

Having experienced it before doesn’t make it hurt any less. 

She can’t help being angry. 

She knows it’s not fair to Evan, knows that if someone had been raging all those years ago when Connor abandoned her for the first time, she wouldn’t have appreciated it. But she can’t help herself. Yelling out of anger feels like the only way to keep herself from breaking. If Zoe is yelling, she isn’t crying. If she isn’t crying, she’s not feeling hurt that the brother who’s supposed to love her and protect her from pain is the one causing it. She’s not too busy thinking about how Connor isn’t around anymore to be a good brother and laugh at the ridiculous things their mother said to her. 

Instead, she can fill up Connor’s absence with a rage that takes hold of her and propels her day after day, writing letters to her parents and friends that if they see Connor they need to inform her as quickly as possible. She can scowl as Jared’s soldiers come back shaking their heads and tells them where they can check next. She can ignore Evan’s blank expression and pretend it’s not happening, Connor isn’t  _ gone _ , and everyone isn’t shattered.

It doesn’t stop the ache of knowing that she has, once again, painfully lost the brother she’d only just gotten back. 

It’s not like she’d been lying when she forgave Connor. 

Living through that pain firsthand at such a young age, before she’d really built the resistance to not be emotionally impacted, had taught her enough. She wasn’t eager to live through his absence ever again. 

When she let Connor back in, Zoe didn’t realize she was waiting. Waiting for Connor to chicken out, to run far from any affection or love or home. And then Connor had gotten engaged instead, and Zoe thought  _ oh. _

_ He’s here to stay this time _ .

She’d only just felt herself getting wrapped up in the excitement of the wedding, at the knowledge that this time Connor wouldn’t leave,  _ couldn’t _ leave. This time his commitment would be binding, voluntary. Wars could be fought and battles could be lost, but Connor would never willingly leave Evan. 

And then Zoe could have two brothers, brother who would never leave her to fend for herself or deal with drama alone. 

It doesn’t work out like that, because all that’s left of Connor is his heartbroken fiance and an empty ache in Zoe’s chest.

It doesn’t take too long before Zoe can’t feel it anymore. 

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](https://connormuffin.tumblr.com/)


End file.
